


The Longest Night

by theforgottenpromises



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Christmas, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-08 13:11:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5498261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theforgottenpromises/pseuds/theforgottenpromises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the night before the Midwinter Lights festivities when an unexpected visitor shows up in Regina’s house with a warning. One long night. One journey. One chance to make things right.  – loosely based on A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I participated in Tumblr's Once Upon A Secret Santa. This is what I came up with this year for my wonderful giftee randielldeee.
> 
> Fair warning, Hook and Hood will be mentioned but nothing with them will be endgame. Viva la Swan Queen! As for the canon storyline up to 5A, I tried to stay as true to it as possible, but there's a chance I'll stray a little here and there.
> 
> Shoutout to my sister for bouncing ideas with me.
> 
> To my beta reader Dana, who always does a marvelous job fixing my lousy punctuation: Thank you, bigman!
> 
> Randi, I hope you like the little journey I'm taking you on with this story. Merry Christmas!

The days were at their darkest and although many would argue they were also at their warmest with the holidays approaching, no one could deny that the sun only came to Storybrooke in brief visits at the end of the year.  
  
The short days combined with the long hours Regina put in at the office were the reason it was once again pitch black outside when she finally pulled her eyes away from the laptop screen. The window behind her was nothing but a dark, black void now. Uncovered windows at night time always made her feel a little uneasy. It was so easy seeing in when the room was lit and yet it was impossible for her to see anything beyond the glass.  
  
As she got up from her chair to collect some files, habit had her turning toward the window. For just a moment she expected to see her apple tree through the net curtains, like she would have had it still been daytime but at this hour she could only see darkness. She met her reflection’s gaze through the small gap between the curtains and for a moment she just stared while the woman in the glass stared back just as hard.  
  
The sound of a car honking in the distance made her jump and she reflexively pulled the fabric. The curtains closed, her reflection disappearing along with the gap.  
  
It was late, she reasoned. And she was tired. That’s why she was so on edge. Maybe it was time to call it a day, although she didn’t have any reason to go home. It was Emma’s night with Henry which, for once, she was grateful for. Regina was drained. Drained from the long work days, drained from the lack of sunshine and the fact that she almost couldn’t even remember what a warm breeze felt like.  
  
She shut down her laptop, closed and stacked the folders on her desk and grabbed her coat. She was already dreading the walk home. It seemed ridiculous to drive the short distance to Town Hall every day, so on good days Regina opted to walk. She regretted that decision each time she stepped out of the warmth into the cold night’s air every evening. This one being no exception.  
  
The moment she opened the door, a cold gust of wind hit her in full force blowing her hair in her face. She locked up swiftly and then buried her gloved hands deep in the pockets of her coat. There hadn’t been any snow yet and the prospects of a white Christmas were practically nonexistent but the wind was brutal and the temperatures were well below freezing. She was definitely going by car tomorrow.  
  
On her way home, she noticed how much the streets had transformed since she walked this route in reverse that morning. Store fronts, lamp posts, windows. Everything was aglow with countless little twinkling lights. Some even had candles as a homage to the festival back in Enchanted Forest.  
  
She tried not to notice the people across the street whispering and eyeing her when she passed. She pretended not to see the group of children that ducked into an alleyway as she approached. Not everyone had accepted her title as Evil Queen to be a former one. Not everyone had had a chance to see the good in her first hand and many of those who had had simply decided to disregard the present in light of the past. To some, she would always be the villain.  
  
She had come such a long way and all some people could see when she offered a helping hand was the blood on them that she would never be able to wash off completely. She carried that burden every day and it would never become lighter. She was getting stronger, however. With every genuine smile shot her way from people she cared about, she got a little stronger.  
  
But today, she didn’t pay them much attention. Today she was distracted by the lights. Or more specifically, by trying not to look at them. She failed miserably as her eyes were automatically drawn to the flickering of the candles on the windowsills she passed. The dancing flames transported her mind to another time and realm where electricity was unheard of, where the air was alive with magic and the grounds green with grass and trees. She thought of the Midwinter Lights festivity preparations that used to be in full swing at this time of year. They didn’t adhere to the same calendar in the Enchanted Forest as they did here, but if they had Midwinter Lights would’ve been celebrated around the night of the 21st of December. Which would be tomorrow night, Regina reminded herself.  
  
Tomorrow she would turn off all the lights early. When every window would be lit, hers would be dark. Everyone would take to the streets tonight, candles in hand and go down to the beach to make bonfires and bake bread on sticks over the flames. Some may choose to go to the forest or the park instead. Some would trade their candle for a flash light or lantern. Traditionally, it didn’t really matter what you did as long as you brought light and warmth wherever you went. But not Regina. She didn’t join the festivities. She didn’t celebrate. Not anymore.  
  
As she turned onto Mifflin Street, a weird sense of not being alone started to creep up on her. She was taught never to show fear so she tilted her chin up and kept walking, never slowing pace. She was able to resist the urge to look behind her for a few more strides but then she caved. She spun around but the street was deserted. She stared the empty space down for a moment longer, daring anyone who may be hiding in the shadows to show their face but when nothing appeared she had no choice but to shrug it off and get home.  
  
She stepped onto her porch, her hands in her pockets digging for her keys. Again the same uneasy feeling washed over her. Was she being watched?  
  
You’re going crazy, her inner voice noted. You’re letting this day get the better of you. The stern voice in her head was right of course, but she still felt a cold shiver go down her spine. She pulled her keys from her pocket and the fumbling for the right key and her gloved fingers combined made the jingling key ring jump from her grasp. With a sigh she bend down to pick it back up. This day really was becoming too much.  
  
When she rose back up, she caught sight of the shining numbers on her door. A reflection, just the tiniest move. Her eyes focused and for a moment she thought she saw… no… that wasn’t possible. Her mind was playing tricks on her. She could’ve sworn she saw the friendly eyes, the balding head and kind features of a man she would never see again. A man who would never smile again, because of her.  
  
She jammed the key in the lock, swung her door open and closed it loudly behind her, leaning against the back of it. She needed a moment to collect herself. She needed more than a moment. She needed a drink.  
  
Pushing off from the door, she took off her coat and kicked her shoes off. Normally she would scold Henry for leaving his shoes in the foyer, or anywhere else in the house for that matter, and she never left hers lying around either. But today she couldn’t bring herself to care so she left them where they were.  
  
In her study she immediately went to the decanter to pour herself some cider. She was just lifting the tumbler to her mouth when she heard noise coming from the kitchen. Dismissing it as a product of her imagination, she took a small sip of cider and wandered back into the foyer on her way to the living room. She was about to cross the threshold when she heard more noise. Louder this time.  
  
One hand still clutching the tumbler and the other ready to conjure a fireball, she made her way to the kitchen slowly. Without her heels, she was able to move almost soundlessly. Not that it mattered much. There weren’t very many in this town that actually posed a threat to her.  
  
Who would be foolish enough to invade my home, Regina wondered. And make so much commotion in the process, she added with an eye roll. She heard pots and pans rattling. Although that didn’t seem very plausible since almost all of them were supposed to be neatly stacked in her cupboards.  
  
She approached the doorway carefully. It was reasonable to assume there was no real danger lurking in her kitchen, but one could never be too careful. Part of her was still feeling a little edgy from the walk home.  
  
Regina entered, ready to strike but the sight that met her eyes left her completely paralyzed. The tumbler slipped from her grasp as she took in the figure standing in the middle of her kitchen. The glass crashed to the ground, splattering cider and shards everywhere but she didn’t even hear it fall. She didn’t notice how all cupboards were shaking, their content rattling as the figure twisted and turned as if to figure out his surroundings. She only had eyes for him.  
  
At the sound of the breaking glass, the figure whirled around. His eyes, a shade of brown so much like her own, locked on hers instantly. Everything around them fell quiet as they gazed at each other in silence for a moment. Regina didn’t breathe. She couldn’t. Her throat felt so tight she was sure air wouldn’t be able to pass through it if her lungs would’ve remembered how to work.  
  
The stare off lasted for about ten seconds and then the man’s face turned into a kind smile when he spoke.  
  
“Regina.”  
  
His voice. It had been so long since she heard it, but she could remember it like it was yesterday. Maybe technically it had been yesterday, since it was one of the voices that was frequently heard in her nightmares.  
  
“Daddy,” she whispered, shock clearly audible in her voice.  
  
It couldn’t be him. It wasn’t him. He had never had this faint glow about him and when the initial shock had ebbed away enough for her eyes to properly focus she could also see he was slightly transparent. The outlines of the kitchen counter behind him were visible through his clothes and skin. This was a trap. A prank of some sort. Someone was playing a trick on her.  
  
Her face turned from shocked to defensive and the fireball reignited in the palm of her hand.  
  
Her father, no, the ghost looked at the ball of flames and raised his hands to show he meant no harm. Took half a step forward but when Regina threatened to throw it he changed his mind.  
  
“What is this?” Regina growled.  
  
“Regina, my dear. Calm down.” His voice was still soft and friendly. Exactly like he always spoke to her.  
  
“Who’s behind this?” She kept her phrases short because only then could she keep herself from tearing up.  
  
“Let us talk. Shall we go sit down?”  
  
Sit down? She wasn’t about to sit down and have a tea party with a ghost that looked so much like her long gone father it took everything she had to stay on her feet. This had been going for too long. She’d had enough. She couldn’t stand to listen to this imposter any longer. He was not allowed to sound like that, no one was. She couldn’t let this ghost break open more of the cages she used to lock away her unwanted feelings than he already had simply by appearing in her kitchen. She needed him to shut up. She would make him.  
  
She didn’t hesitate a moment longer. She drew her hand back and then sent the fireball flying straight towards the face that resembled her father’s so much it hurt to look at it.  
  
He closed his eyes. At first Regina thought he did it as sign of defeat but then she realized he was sighing at her futile attempts to get rid of him. The ball went right through him as if he wasn’t even there. It crashed against her cupboards behind him leaving a black burn mark.  
  
What was she thinking trying to burn a ghost. She could see through him for heaven’s sake.  
  
“Regina,” the ghost tried again. “Just hear me out, I’m not here to hurt you.”  
  
Regina chuckled humorlessly at the words. It was too late for that. His mere presence was hurting her far worse than anything had in a while. Just looking at him, eyes drifting down to his chest she couldn’t stop the memories. She remembered the warmth of his embrace and the feel of her hand sinking into his chest a moment later, her hand closing around his heart. The thump of his lifeless body hitting the cold castle floor would be with her forever.  
  
If she couldn’t get him to leave she would remove herself from his presence instead. She turned and walked out of the kitchen without a specific goal in mind but when she entered the living room he was already waiting for her.  
  
For just a second she considered walking out again but she knew this game could go on all night. Instead, she sank down onto the edge of her sofa.  
  
“This can’t be real,” she whispered as she stared at him. Her eyes roamed every inch of him in the hope to find something that would tell her this wasn’t really happening.  
  
“Why would you say that?” The ghost asked.  
  
Magic. Fatigue. Alcohol. Hallucinations. She could list so many sensible reasons that would lead anyone to believe this couldn’t be happening.  
  
“Does it feel real?” He pressed when she didn’t answer.  
  
Again, that didn’t have to mean anything. There were plenty of things that had felt real to her only to later find out she was either being scammed, manipulated or misinformed. She couldn’t deny this all felt very real, but it couldn’t be. Could it? Once someone was dead, that was the end of it. Flashbacks of her unsuccessful attempts to bring her lost love back flashed before her eyes just long enough to make her feel a stabbing pain in her chest and to make her take her next breath as a gasp but then she forced it all down again and focused on the task at hand.  
  
“Trust yourself, Regina.”  
  
She felt it, deep down she felt it. This ghost wasn’t lying. She took a moment to try and assess any potential danger that could be involved with hearing him out, not that she had much of a choice, and decided she should listen to what he had to say. With her hands clenched into fists in her lap and a locked jaw she nodded at the ghost, indicating she was willing to listen.  
  
He regarded her carefully for a long moment. Regina struggled to read his expression as he did so. His features were of course a little harder to see since she could also see the wallpaper behind him. He wasn’t weary. There was no hostility. It wasn’t fear. It had been so long since she’s seen this face, so long since she’s had to read it. But this was an expression she’d seen so often it was hard to forget. Worry.  
  
“You don’t look well,” he observed. They both knew his statement had nothing to do with the fact that she was sitting across from her long lost father’s ghost. It was deeper than that. It was an observation that would’ve been true this morning and will most likely be true tomorrow and next week.  
  
“Have you been sleeping? When was the last time you had a proper meal?”  
  
Regina dropped her gaze. It was better than verbalizing the negative response she would’ve been forced to give.  
  
“Regina, my child.”  
  
That one small phrase made any doubt she had still harbored up to that point evaporate. This wasn’t just a ghost. This was her father.  
  
The words sounded like home. It sounded like a place and feeling she could no longer call hers, as if she no longer understood what it meant to be truly home or perhaps that she had figured out she never knew to begin with. It made a warmth spread through her. Like during cold winters where she would walk up to the fireplace where a fire was crackling and she’d crawl as close to it as she could to feel the glow radiating from it. A warmth that immediately turned cold when she was yanked away from the burning logs by a stern voice belonging to her mother. A voice much like that one in her own head was now reminded her that those times were only a thing in a distant past that she was never getting back.  
  
“You fought so hard to have your happiness,” Henry went on sadly, leaving out the part where she took his heart to chase said happiness. “What happened? You don’t seem happy.”  
  
Tears welled up in Regina’s eyes as she heard the truth in his words. During the first few years of the curse, when everything had exactly gone her way she had imprinted herself with the idea that having her way equaled happiness. And for years she believed it. Until the emptiness and predictability of that idea had caught up to her.  
  
“It’s the holidays,” she half-lied, blinking away the moisture. “I’m swamped in work.” Another half-lie. In was the truth in the sense that she really was very busy but a lie as an explanation as for why she looked so unhappy. But she couldn’t tell him this time of year had her so shaken with memories and longing that she was so lost she forgot which way was up. That the holidays made the entire town flood with a warmth that never truly reached her. It was too hard to watch families come together when she had lost hers. Henry was there for her that much was certainly true and she was very grateful for joy he had brought into her life. But she still felt like she missed something especially during the days he spent with the Charmings and his other mother. There was still a sense of not belonging and rejection that she never managed to get away from completely.  
  
Her father just nodded at her words. It was clear he didn’t believe them but was going to drop the subject regardless.

She couldn’t stand the sadness in his eyes. She could feel the pity in his look. He was dead, she reminded herself in an attempt to distance herself. He wasn’t coming back. He didn’t have the right to make her feel anything. He shouldn’t have the power to shake her so badly. She shouldn’t have given that power to him. It was time to take it back.  
  
Her face hardened as she bit out her next words. “Why are you here?”  
  
He immediately sensed the change in atmosphere. He had of course witnessed this many times in the past. He could pinpoint the moments Regina got so overwhelmed with her emotions she chose to shut them off completely just by looking at her.  
  
“I don’t have much time left,” he admitted, cutting to the chase. “I came to warn you.”  
  
Regina let out a humorless laugh. “Warn me? Do tell, what am I up against this time?”  
  
“Yourself, my child.”  
  
Her mask of indifference slipped a little at the words.  
  
“But there is always hope. I came to warn you. You will be receiving three more guests.”  
  
“I’d rather not,” Regina replied with a mixture of fear and stubborn denial.  
  
“You can expect the first tomorrow when the clock strikes midnight.”  
  
“Can’t I take them all at once?” Regina reasoned, quickly realizing this could mean she was stuck on this rollercoaster of another 3 nights.  
  
“The second will be here the next night, at the same hour. The third the night after that.”  
  
He was rapidly fading as he announced the visits. His time was running low and suddenly Regina wasn’t sure she wanted him to go after all.  
  
“Try your best to open your mind and you shall find what you’re looking for. Not everything can be found where you expect it to be.”  
  
The cryptic words meant nothing to the brunette. She was too busy soaking up every detail of her fading father to really register them anyway. The last thing she saw was the smile on his face and then he was gone.  
  
“I’ll try,” she whispered to an empty room. “I’ll try.”


	2. Chapter 2

The sharp beeping of her alarm clock ripped Regina from a deep sleep filled with a combination of nightmares, memories and dreams. She slammed her hand on the button to silence it a little harder than necessary but it did the trick. She rolled onto her back and sighed heavily.  
  
After yesterday’s visitor had left she sat on her sofa staring at the spot her father had disappeared without moving a muscle for at least thirty minutes. The next hour and a half was spent convincing herself it had all been some weird side effect of too little sleep or perhaps alcohol. At one point she had almost even managed to convince herself she was just drunk even though she knew she hadn’t had more than one sip before the tumbler had ended up scattered across her kitchen tiles.  
  
Once she had managed to drag herself up the stairs and into her bed, she laid awake for hours. She played and replayed the encounter over and over until she had drifted off to a restless sleep.  
  
Today was a new day and her mind really wanted to start the tape over and think about last night once more but she couldn’t. One, two, three breaths later she sat up, swung her legs over the edge of the bed and vowed to keep herself so busy her thoughts couldn’t go astray.  
  
She somewhat kept herself distracted by drowning herself in work all morning. There were a lot of things to sign off on for the Midwinter Lights festival of that evening. Henry, bless the gods for his chatty nature, did a very good job keeping her mind in the present during lunch and after that she fell from one meeting into the other until it was well past dinner time. Another night alone in the mansion, since Henry was still with Emma.  
  
It was only when she entered her kitchen later that night to make her dinner that she couldn’t keep her thoughts in check any longer. When her eyes landed on the black spot the fireball she threw yesterday had left, it was as if she could see her father appearing at the counter once again. She had to take a few shaky steps forward so she could clamp both hands firmly onto the edge of breakfast bar because it was hard for her legs to carry her weight as her mind ran away with her again.  
  
Lucky for her, cooking had always eased her mind. It was the very reason she had gotten so good at it. Initially she had only learned how to cook because she was suddenly supposed to provide her own meals when she got to Storybrooke. She soon found out it was rather fun and therapeutic in a way, so when she had learned the basics and no longer needed to learn, she continued simply because she wanted to. A difficult recipe was always a nice challenge and Regina just loved challenges every once in a while.  
  
She cooked, ate and cleaned. She even put on music, something she rarely ever did. She hummed along and tried to focus on the soft notes that floated through the room but it wasn’t enough to keep her mind occupied.  
  
She had clearly run out of ways to keep the thoughts at bay. Perhaps, Regina reasoned with herself, she should just give in for a bit. It could be like deflating a balloon. At some point the rubber would return to its original size and the tension would be gone. If she could just let the air out, she could shake it off and move on. And so she did. She sat down in the living room, a glass of water on the coffee table in front of her and the music playing softly in the background. For the first time that day, she wasn’t the driver but simply a passenger on her train of thought as it departed.  
  


* * *

  
  
Her plan to go to bed early today, to turn off the lights and to hopefully not be bothered with the festivities that would take place this night were all forgotten as she lost track of time sitting in her living room trying to come up with a million and one ways to interpret her father’s words and the reason for his appearance.  
  
Her brain finally got tired enough to attempt sleeping, so with a detour through the kitchen to put away her empty glass, she made her way to the stairs. From the sink she couldn’t see the microwave built into the kitchen island nor its bright green digits so she missed the exact moment those digits went from 11:59 to 12:00. Midnight.  
  
She rolled her shoulders tiredly as she shuffled to the stairs, but the moment her foot hit the hardwood of the bottom step she stopped dead in her tracks. She wasn’t alone. There was someone standing in the foyer next to the side table.  
  
The person wasn’t making any move towards her, posing absolutely no threat. She was simply standing there, hands clasped in front of her. She was patiently waiting for Regina to catch up and make the first move.  
  
Regina quickly put two and two together when she saw the slight transparency of the short woman’s skin and clothes. It was all real. The warning, her father’s ghost, the visitors. She blinked several times to make sure her eyes weren’t deceiving her but the woman just moved her weight from one foot to the other as she looked at Regina expectantly. There was no grand spectacle surrounding her arrival, no loud noises, no sounds and it somehow suited the woman’s character to arrive silently.  
  
“Jo- Johanna?” Regina stammered, recognition flooding over her features.  
  
“Regina, “ the woman nodded in greeting. “I’m sorry to intrude on your home like this.”  
  
“To be fair,” Regina said emotionlessly, “your arrival was somewhat expected.”  
  
The last time Regina had laid eyes on this woman it was from on top of the town’s clock tower while Johanna was sprawled out underneath, thrown through the glass of the clock by her mother. She never wanted that to happen. They had gotten the dagger and Regina was ready to let Snow have her precious nanny back but Cora had other plans. Regina had no choice but to roll with them when the damage was already done.  
  
It was strange seeing nothing but kindness on the woman’s face. How was there no resentment? No hatred? Was this her chance to apologize? If so, then what was she supposed to say? I’m sorry my mother threw you off the clock tower? I am sorry I let her? Perhaps while she was at it she was expected to apologize for her behavior while Johanna was still alive too. The years in the Enchanted Forest she had spent ignoring the woman as much as possible. She was too close to Snow. Regina couldn’t stand the fond way she spoke of the little girl that ruined her life. Luckily their paths didn’t cross that much in the large castle.  
  
“Shall we get on with it then?” Johanna asked in her heavy accent.  
  
“Get on with what exactly?” Regina wanted to know as she took her foot off the stair to turn fully towards her visitor.  
  
“We have a journey to make!”  
  
“And what journey would that be?”  
  
This game of twenty questions was rapidly becoming arduous. Why couldn’t ghosts just cut to the point?  
  
“Your past, of course!” Johanna exclaimed as if it was the obvious answer.  
  
“Of course,” Regina repeated after her not at all sounding as confident as the nanny.  
  
It felt like the blood that usually ran through her veins was slowly being replaced by ice water as the words sank in. There was no time to dwell on the feeling because Johanna was reaching for her hand and at the touch the room began to fade around them.  
  
It was a strange sensation holding hands with a ghost. Not necessarily unpleasant or cold like movies and books had always lead her to believe. She hadn’t believed it possible until the transparent fingers that felt surprisingly solid, closed over her own.  
  
Her surroundings faded and morphed into a different scene very slowly, much like being lowered into a bathtub full of warm water. Except now, she was feeling anything but warm as she feared what they might land in.  
  
Almost anything was possible if one had magic, but not traveling through time. Every practitioner of magic knew that. It was a limitation that part of her had always been grateful for. She may be restricted to the present with no means of ever visiting a future but at least her past would stay in the past. Until now.  
  
Johanna released her hand as they were standing in the middle of a meadow. It was daytime and Regina had to shield her eyes from the sun until they adjusted. When her vision cleared, she was able to look around. It was a good thing Johanna wasn’t holding her hand anymore, because she would’ve squeezed it to pieces had she still been holding it while her hand curled into a fist. The other hand flew up to cover her mouth.  


They were standing in a meadow. There were trees scattered around the edges and a small settlement in the distance. There weren’t any obstacles set up in the meadow like there usually were for her lessons, but there was no mistaken where Johanna had taken her. She knew she shouldn’t turn around because she knew what was behind her. Her head was screaming at her not to do it, but her feet had a mind of their own. She just had to see it.  
  
Slightly higher up, at the far edge of the meadow stood a small, wooden structure. There was some hay scattered around it. The stables. Where the, it hurt to even think the words, stable boys worked. She closed her eyes and turned away again. Looking that way may not have been the smartest move.  
  
She wanted to yell, scream, cry at Johanna to take her away. She wanted to know why on earth she was being brought back here. She wanted nothing more but to leave and she wanted Johanna to make it happen but when she let her eyes fall on the woman she saw the nanny was looking at something else.  
  
She was about to demand her attention when another voice could be heard. Her own voice. A slightly higher pitch and in a happier tone than she herself had managed for quite a while. Not long after two horses galloped into view from behind a hill. She watched as her younger self raced her father to the middle of the clearing, able to keep up but not pass him. Henry was yelling encouragements to her as he sped up. She was laughing but her focus didn’t waver.  
  
They skidded to a stop right on front of Johanna and Regina, dismounting their horses and catching their breaths. The warm air came out is small clouds. Regina couldn’t feel it, because they weren’t really there in person but it was clear that it was a very cold day.  
  
“Well done, sweetheart,” Henry complemented his daughter and opened his arms for her. They watched as a young Regina happily fell into them.  
  
“I think you are ready for tonight, my girl.”  
  
“I told you so,” Regina replied with a playful smirk that turned into a small pout as she continued. “I don’t see why I don’t get to ride bareback tonight.”  
  
“I told you,” Henry explained as he patted his horse, “it will be pitch black on our way to the bonfires by the lake. There is no way of telling what our horses will do. The smallest of unexpected movements could throw you right off it’s back. I cannot take such risks with my beautiful daughter. Bareback riding shall be restricted to this meadow and more importantly to daylight.”  
  
“For now,” Regina mumbled as she started removing the bridle from her horse’s head.  
  
“Yes, for now.”  
  
The teenager couldn’t have been more than fourteen years old, Regina concluded as she watched the interaction. It was around that time that she had finally succeeded in persuading her father to let her try and ride bareback and a few months later she would leave the saddle with the stable boys every chance she could. Those opportunities weren’t very often, unfortunately, since her mother strictly forbade her from doing it. If Cora truly had her way her daughter was only allowed to ride sidesaddle, but it was one of the only rules in the Mills’ household that was interpreted loosely sometimes.  
  
After some digging in her memory she remembered this afternoon. Her mother was away for business and wouldn’t return for another two nights. She was left with her father and couldn’t be happier about it.  
  
The Midwinter Lights festivities would be held that night and they had been preparing all day. Food packets had been made. Outfits were picked out. Blankets, torches and other necessities for their trip were all packed and ready by the door of their home. Her father had insisted they go out for a ride to make sure she was ready for her first night time trip. The previous years she had always had to share a horse with her father, but tonight she would be riding her own. Rocinante, her faithful steed. It had been such a proud moment for her.  
  
She still vividly remembered how excited she was for the Midwinter Lights festivities each year and how extra excited she had been that particular year because her mother wasn’t around and she would be on her own horse.  
  
That entire day had been stored away in the back of her mind as one of her fondest memories.  
  
Regina was so captivated by the scene, her younger self and the interaction with her father that a sudden gentle hand on her elbow startled her.  
  
“Let us fast forward a few hours,” Johanna said and instantly the sun disappeared and made way for stars. The grass under their feet became trees around them as they found themselves by a large lake.  
  
There was some rustling in the greenery behind them and then Regina’s younger version and her father stepped out from the bushes. Both of them were carrying firewood they had just gathered. Regina still remembered her father always showing her which logs were good for campfires and which weren’t. Even though by the age of ten she was capable of distinguishing them herself she always pretended to listen because she loved to just listen to him.  
  
They made their way to a spot where the horses were already tied to a tree branch and their blanket was spread next to their bags. Her father began building a small campfire for the two of them and soon they were huddled together under a blanket staring at the flames.  
  
There was something so cozy about it. Just the two of them, their faces lit in the orange glow of the fire. They weren’t the only ones who had come to the lake for the festivities but it wasn’t hard to create their own spot. They would all join each other in a few hours to celebrate as a united front against the looming darkness but for now everyone was content in enjoying a little family time.  
  
“Daddy?” The girl asked. “Will you tell me the story of Midwinter Lights?”  
  
She asked him to tell that story every year. And every year he would add more truth and less fairytale to it as his daughter got old enough to handle it.  
  
Henry smiled, wrapped an arm around his daughter and launched into the story. She placed her head on his shoulder as she listened to him tell her the story that had become so familiar to her.  
  
He told her about how scared the people of the Enchanted Forest used to be of the dark and more specifically of everything looming in it that couldn’t bear the light of day. They would all huddle up in their houses, the shutters safely closed to keep the darkness from creeping in.  
  
Especially during winters their days were very short, their nights impossibly long. At one point a courageous farmer decided he had had enough. On the longest night of the year he rounded up his village and armed with light they stepped out into the hidden world of the night hell-bent on conquering the blackness.  
  
They brought torches, built campfires and had feasts. Henry explained that no person in their right mind would take the time to prepare a meal outdoors if they felt threatened in any way. That they would normally seek shelter first. The people defeated the odds by preparing whole banquettes, showing any and all watching that they had no fear. They would laugh in the night’s face and dance to the music they played with no care in the world. Demons, ghouls and other monsters be damned. The night was theirs.  
  
“And that is why we cook bread over the fire,” the young Regina knew. “To show we are not afraid.”  
  
Henry hummed in agreement.  
  
It wasn’t as much about showing how brave they were anymore. It was an age old tradition to hold festivities and throughout the years it had become more and more and more about being together and less about overcoming fears. A night of warmth and light and celebrating with family and friends in the cold dark winters of the Enchanted Forest. A night to forget every day struggles and live in the moment. To be together regardless of what happened during the day because the sun wasn’t there to shine light upon their problems anyway.  
  
Regina’s eyes had been welling up with tears as she listened to the story she had heard so often as a child. She almost felt like an intruder as she witnessed the special moment between father and daughter, both of whom were now wrapping dough around sticks to turn into bread. They were wrapped up in their own little bubble of warmth and light and seemed absolutely content in each other’s company.  
  
Regina remembered the feeling only as a distant memory. The feeling of being the only two people in the world. How long had it been since she had felt as safe as the girl under that blanket did? The annual Midwinter Lights festivities had truly been like a secret shared between father and daughter. It was theirs and theirs alone. Until it wasn’t. She hadn’t cherished those moments enough, she realized as a tear threatened to escape. She angrily wiped at it, refusing to let it fall on its own.  
  
“You look so happy,” Johanna softly noted.  
  
Once again Regina had forgotten the woman was there. She had been hanging on every word her father was whispering. Intently listening to every joke he told.  
  
“I was,” she admitted.  
  
“We have to move on now,” Johanna prodded as she once again touched Regina’s arm so they could travel through time together. There wasn’t even enough time to figure out if she was happy to leave or wished to stay together.  
  
The quiet laughter of her younger version and her father faded into silence as their surroundings transformed once more.


	3. Chapter 3

This time she found herself in a castle, her castle. She had only just spotted herself on a stool in front of the vanity when the door burst open and a young girl dashed into the room. It was clear she hadn’t knocked because the young woman visibly jumped at the sound.  
  
“Snow,” Regina half growled, half whispered. At the same time as her younger version called the name too. It had to be her. There was only one person who had so little sense of privacy and boundaries that she would enter someone’s chambers without knocking.  
  
The girl didn’t slow down until she was right next to the young queen. Because the woman was sitting, they were about the same height.  
  
Regina watched as her younger version sat there, waiting for the girl to reveal her reason for disturbing her peace. Of course, her face was plastered into a friendly smile but the fact that the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes gave her away to the spectators from the future.  
  
“Are you ready?” Snow asked impatiently. The girl was vibrating with excitement. “The sun has gone down. It’s time to start the feast.”  
  
The little girl hopped and clapped, unable to remain calm any longer at the prospects of a feast that was about to start. She backed away and started twirling around the chamber, dancing to a tune only she could hear.  
  
“We get to dance and play and eat and have fun. So much fun, Regina. We shall have the best time.”  
  
The Regina she was talking to didn’t appear to hear a word she said. The young woman just sat on her stool, staring at her own reflection. The sad look on her face was slowly fading as her features hardened in determination. She allowed herself one small nod at her reflection and then she turned around, facing not only the dancing child but Regina and Johanna as well.  
  
Regina took a small step back as she saw her younger version’s face. Her smile was so fake Regina wondered how she had managed to get away with it all these years. How had everyone around her been so blind.  
  
Because they never saw your real smile, the voice in her head whispered. They don’t have anything to compare the fake ones to.  
  
The only genuine smiles she had ever offered Snow had been when a marriage had not been spoken of. When she had been happy. Happy with… with… Daniel.  
“That is certainly a different smile,” Johanna observed. “Little Snow may not notice, but others have.”  
  
For the first time since this crazy ride began Regina thought to ask questions. “Wh- what are we doing here?”  
  
“Why, it’s the longest night!” Johanna said as an explanation.  
  
“Obviously.”  
  
Apparently ghosts weren’t just incapable of answering questions in the present.  
  
Snow was now dragging the younger Regina out of the room by her hand. The duo walked straight through them. Part of Regina was disappointed they could just walk through them. Part of her wanted to gather her younger self into a hug and tell her things would get better. Tell her that she just needed to hold on and be strong. Not for the little girl whose hand she was currently holding, but for herself. She wanted to tell the young queen that it wasn’t too late to get out. She wanted to yell at her to get a horse and take off. Get as far as she could, to the edge of the realm or perhaps beyond.  
  
She wanted to say so much, but she was left staring after the pair that was now disappearing around a corner at the end of the hallway in silence.  
  
“We should hurry, the festivities are about to start!” There was a hint of excitement in Johanna’s voice now. Why on earth was the woman so happy.  
  
Right on cue, they drifted through the floor into the big hall below. The hall was decorated with candles and drapes and there were long rows of tables set along the length of it. All tables were set with table cloths, the nicest plates and silver cutlery. Plates of food was piled onto every open space of tabletop and every available seat was taken by nobles from across the kingdom. All servants of the castle were lined up at one wall. Regina spotted Johanna among them, like the rest, dressed in the finest clothes the woman must have owned.  
  
Johanna and Regina floated down until they were located at the head of one of the tables just as Snow entered with Regina in tow. They made their way to a long table on an elevated platform overseeing all other tables where a man dressed in a rich golden dress robe was waiting for them.  
  
There he was, smiling. The man who had been haunting Regina’s dreams for years. The nights, the horrible never ending nights, spent with this man would be a burden she would carry for the rest of her life. She never forgot, but seeing him alive and smiling down at her younger self and his daughter made all the memories rush to the front of her mind, crashing into her with the impact of a school bus.  
  
He reached for them and she saw herself hesitate for a beat before forcing herself to place her hand in his and allow him to help her onto the platform.  
  
Regina remembered how much every cell in her body wanted to move in the opposite direction every time the King reached for her. She remembered the effort it always took not to turn and leave, not to flinch when he addressed or touched her and to keep a smile on her face when there were eyes on her at all times.  
  
“Look at you, my child,” the king said as he twirled his daughter around by the hand and took in her gown. “What a wonderful dress!”  
  
Snow curtsied as she beamed at the compliment. Then she skipped to her seat and sat down, eagerly eyeing the food displayed in front of her.  
  
The king watched her go before leaning in and whispering “You look beautiful” to his young wife.  
  
Present day Regina shuddered at the words. She could almost feel his breath against her own ear as an unwelcome warm gust of air. Her younger self looked less affected. She probably shut down all of her emotions by now just so she could get through the evening and night.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Johanna said softly. The shudder running down Regina’s back hadn’t gone unnoticed.  
  
“Why did you bring me here?” Regina asked already half expecting not to get an answer but she couldn’t stop herself from trying. She turned to the short woman fully this time, demanding her attention. “Why, Johanna?”  
  
“For this,” the nanny replied. She spread her arms gesturing for Regina to look at the hall again.  
  
The tables had been cleared away, the space was now open for couples to dance on and many had already taken to the floor. A small group of musicians was playing in a corner, filling the room with cheerful music.  
  
Regina looked around confused until Johanna pointed her in the right direction. There, in the corner, stood the young woman she used to be. She watched from the sidelines as everyone was having fun, no doubt counting the minutes until everyone would take their leaves. Leopold and Snow twirled by. The girl was giggling and waving at Regina. A wave that Regina returned halfheartedly.  
  
“May I have this dance, your majesty?” Someone from her side asked.  
  
Regina turned her head, a bit of light returning to her eyes as she met her father’s gaze.  
  
“Don’t call me that,” she hissed and took his offered hand.  
  
“Sweetheart, at one point you are going to have to accept that you are in fact royalty now.”  
  
They danced in a comfortable silence for a while. Every now and then, the older Regina was able to catch a glimpse of joy on the young queen’s face. For the first time that night she seemed to enjoy herself a little.  
  
“Why aren’t you enjoying the festivities?” Her father wanted to know.  
  
“It’s not what it’s supposed to be,” Regina admitted. “What good is a Midwinter Lights celebration if we are not outdoors? How do we conquer the night from within the safe confines of the castle walls? I want ride. I want to go into the forest and build a campfire. I want to bake bread and show the night I am not afraid. I want to feel free.”  
  
“My dear,” her father began, but Regina cut him off.  
  
“I know daddy. I am royalty now. My life no longer allows for such frivolous, peasant activities.”  
  
And just like that, the light in the young woman’s eyes died down again. Pushed down by the words drilled into her.  
  
Regina’s heart broke for the girl and for the father who wanted so much to console her but had no means to do it with.  
  
“You had such a bright light within you when you first came into the castle,” Johanna sighed sadly. “Every year I watched more of that light die. It seemed as though these times of joy were especially hard on you.”  
  
The brunette had never known Johanna had noticed and observed so much. She had never been more than polite to the woman and for as far as she could remember their conversations had never stretched beyond a few sentences. And yet this woman had seen her for what she really was. Unhappy.  
  
A lump had formed in her throat as she listened to the nanny’s words but she was determined to speak.  
  
“I’m ready to go home now.” Her voice was soft and heavy with emotion.  
  
Johanna smiled gently. The way a doctor would when he was about to deliver bad news.  
  
“We have one more stop to make.”  
  


* * *

  
  
They were still in the castle, although in a different room which Regina recognized as her bed chambers. It weren’t the same chambers as the wing she had been in earlier, which meant it had to be a few years later than the last moment they had been in. Sometime after the king’s death. The space was empty save for the two of them and the only source of light came from the fireplace.  
  
Angry footsteps sounded from the hallway.  
  
“Go away!”  
  
A woman strode into view, seething with rage. She wore a long, black dress with tiny diamonds all over it making it sparkly as she moved. Her cleavage was on full display although the rest of her was covered up and there was a heavy silver necklace dangling just above it. Her hair was up in an intricate do that, without magic, would take hours to create. She had heavy eye make up on and her lips were blood red.  
  
“No,” Regina gasped at the sight of her. There she was. The Evil Queen in all her glory. At the height of her reign. “Johanna, no.”  
  
Johanna didn’t say anything. She just clasped her hands in front of her and watched the scene in front of her unfold.  
  
“Can we please go?” Regina tried again.  
  
“Regina, my dear.” Her father hurried in after her younger self. “It’s the longest night tonight.”  
  
“I don’t care!” the queen yelled back. “I don’t care for such peasant celebrations.”  
  
“Why won’t you come out tonight and join some festivities. Perhaps a little feast would do you good,” the man tried, talking to his daughter’s back.  
  
Regina closed her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see the rejection her father was about to be hit with. At this point, Midwinter Lights festivities had been all but banned from the castle. During this period in her life she no longer believed in hope or friendship. All she sought after in those days was power and most of all revenge.  
  
“Do me good?” the queen let out a cold humorless laugh.  
  
And then she whirled around to look at her father. She regarded him for a second as she took a few steps forward. Henry, to his credit, stood his ground. After all, he strongly believed his little girl was still somewhere inside this strange woman.  
  
“And what would I be celebrating exactly? The family I don’t have? Or perhaps that I am not afraid of the dangers of the night? Daddy, I AM the danger hiding in the dark!”  
  
Henry flinched at her mention of not having family and again when she referred to herself as a danger.  
  
“All those claiming they are not afraid in the dark is merely deluding themselves. Anyone can go into the night clutching a torch and building bonfires while getting intoxicated. These fools have obviously never doused their flames and experienced what true darkness really is.”  
  
Even now, so many years later, the words cut deep into Regina. They brushed against old wounds that never fully healed. The combination of watching herself at the stage in her life where she had hit absolute rock bottom, combined with everything else she had been shown that night had worn Regina down completely. She didn’t want to see more. She didn’t want to remember. She didn’t want to wake the demons that she had finally managed to put to sleep in her mind.  
  
“Please take me away from here,” she pleaded. “I can’t look at this, at her, at me.”  
  
Out of nowhere something hurled towards them, passing through Regina’s chest and crashing to pieces against the wall behind them.  
  
“Get. Out.” They heard the queen sneer. “Get. Out. Now.”  
  
“You have to,” Johanna reasoned. “Your past is a part of you, Regina. A part you will need to decide what the future will hold for you.”  
  
Johanna never took her focus off of the queen as she spoke. Her eyes followed the woman as she sank down onto a seat near the fire. Regina looked over too and saw how the woman’s eyes were shining with tears while she watched the flames dance in the fireplace.  
  
“Where that light now?” the nanny wondered out loud.  
  
“It burned up,” Regina answered stoically.  
  
“No!” Johanna said with more force than she had used up to this point. Now she turned toward Regina, grabbing both her hands and demanding her full attention. “You just got better at covering it up. You still have it, Regina. You just need to stop letting something or someone else decide your fate and trust your heart.”  
  
The room began to fade once more but this time, Johanna faded with it.  
  
“There is hope. Find your light,” the woman told her and with one firm squeeze to both her hands, Johanna was gone.  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry the update took so long! I had no idea it would take so horribly long to write this story.
> 
> Anyway, this chapter isn't beta'd so all mistakes are my own. I might replace it with a beta'd version later.
> 
> Thanks to the brave few still with me and this story!

**CHAPTER 4**  
  
Regina woke with a start. She shot up and looked around confused. Where was she? How did she get here? Where was Johanna?  
  
She took in her surroundings and was pleased to note that she was in her own bedroom back in Storybrooke. There was no trace of Johanna. She was completely alone in her bed. Somehow she was now wearing her silk pajamas. She couldn’t bring herself to care about how that had happened. What mattered was that she was alone, in bed and in the present time.  
  
She jumped when her phone buzzed on her nightstand. How had the device even made it upstairs? Too tired to dwell on it she just picked it up and unlocked it. She opened the message and saw a picture of a big bonfire. She could see shapes around it but with the camera quality and the darkness she couldn’t make out any of the faces. It looked crowded.  
  
“Wish you were here.” It said underneath. She smiled at the sentiment, but couldn’t say she felt the same way. She had consciously made the decision not to join the Midwinter Lights festivities. Not even when Robin had asked her to, arguing that it would be their first holiday together. He had made plans with the Merry Men, apparently and annual tradition for this night and had asked her to join them.  
  
She had told him she thought he should be with his son and have it be just the boys. A real guys night, she had called it. But in truth the reason she didn’t join was because to this day she still couldn’t stand the festivities. It wasn’t hers to celebrate with whomever she wanted. It didn’t mean anything to her if she couldn’t have a night in the safe bubble that was only big enough for two. That safe bubble had burst the second she had said “I do”, a ring slipped around her finger and with it a noose around her neck.  
  
She swallowed down her emotions and typed a quick message telling him to have fun and have some bread for her.  
  
It didn’t seem like sleep would come easy tonight but her head felt heavy with thoughts so she placed her phone back on the nightstand and was about to lay down when a beam of light shone through the gap under the bathroom door.  
  
Surely it wasn’t just the light from the bathroom flickering on on its own because it was much too bright for that. The entire doorframe lit up a moment later, illumination her entire bedroom. She scooted back against the headboard and once propped up against it she drew her knees up a little, instinctively protecting her chest and vital organs.  
  
She watched as the door started rattling on its hinges. Regina was afraid the hinges would break at any second and just as she was sure they couldn’t hold it any longer, the door flew open.  
  
She was blinded by the light that she still didn’t know the source of. She blinked against it and tried to shield her eyes with her hands as best she could. She peered through slits and saw a silhouette standing in the doorway. A man perhaps, but it was hard to tell.  
  
What on earth was happening?  
  
When he stepped into her bedroom, the light dimmed until it vanished completely. She could see the shadow moving through her room slowly and she immediately reached for the lamp on her nightstand. Why she didn’t feel the need to get away or at least summon her magic just in case the intruder wasn’t friendly, was beyond her but the thought never crossed her mind. All she wanted to know was who it was.  
  
A soft yellow glow flooded over her room when she flipped the switch on her bed lamp.  
  
The man just stood there, at the foot of her bed, grinning down at her with his thumbs through the belt loops of his jeans.  
  
She took in his scruffy beard and unruly hair. His leather jacket hung open and he was wearing a tie and vest underneath. It was strange seeing the man again, a few years since his… death.  
  
“Please try not to freak out,” he said calmly, the grin in his face cockily growing.  
  
Graham Humbert. She was starting to sense a pattern in her visitors. They all had one thing in common. At one point, Regina had held their hearts in her hand. The reminder of that fact alone was already more than she was willing to experience. She could only guess at the things he was here to show her.  
  
It was rather fitting that he showed up in her bedroom. It seemed like he was reminding her of the mistakes they had made together. Mistakes she would take back if she had the chance. But there was too much she would take back. She had to remind herself that everything she had done had at least led her to Henry and, to a certain extent, the man she was supposed to be with.  
  
“Mister Humbert, what a surprise,” Regina said formally. It was her way of trying create some distance between them, because as long as she didn’t let him get too close, he couldn’t hurt her.  
  
“So formal,” Graham said in mock offense. The man had certainly gained some confidence wherever he had been staying up until now. “I believe you and I have been through enough to be on first name basis, wouldn’t you say Regina? Are you telling me I was so easy to forget even when we are literally at the crime scene?”  
  
He brushed a hand over her sheets as if remembering everything they had once done between them.  
  
“Or at least one of them,” he added with a mischievous look.  
  
He was taunting her. He didn’t mean it. She could tell because the detached look on his face was the same as it had always been when they were together. The same look he would’ve found reflected on her features if he had ever bothered to look. Neither one had ever really cared for more than satisfying their own needs.  
  
“Fine,” she conceded. “Graham. Would you care to enlighten me as to why you’re here?”  
  
Why couldn’t he just leave? She was just back from being dragged through a past she had hoped to never see or even think of again. She felt raw and vulnerable already and wasn’t sure how much more she could take.  
  
“I’m here to show you a thing or two,” Graham explained. “So shall we get on with it?”  
  
Regina suddenly felt uncomfortable being in bed when Graham was in her room. She got out and put on her robe.  
  
“I think I’ve seen enough of my past to last me a while,” she said, trying to sound dismissive but it sounded shaky. Instead of saying more, she busied herself with tying the sash on her robe carefully.  
  
“Good thing we’re not going to your past then,” Graham answered cheerfully. “We’re staying right here, in the present.”  
  
At that, Regina looked up questioningly. “The present? Why would you have to show me that when I live it every day?”  
  
“Let’s find out,” Graham grinned mysteriously. He extended his hand as if asking her for a dance.  
  
Regina didn’t like it one bit. She didn’t like not knowing but she knew she didn’t have much of a choice. If she was completely honest, underneath the great amount of dread and fear there was a hint of curiosity too. There was a need to know what this night was about. Why were these people, who had all passed away, showing up at her house? Why had her father come first? His words still echoed in her mind.  
  
“Look,” Graham sighed, “we don’t have much time so we should get on with it.”  
  
“What happens if we run out of time?”  
  
“We won’t.”  
  
“What if we will?”  
  
“Regina.”  
  
Right. Ghosts don’t answer questions. She eyed his hand wearily for a few more seconds and then placed hers in it. They were off the instant their hands met. It felt nothing like time traveling with Johanna. There was nothing gentle or slow about it. It felt like being in the passenger’s seat of a car that accelerated too quickly.  
  
Just as things were getting really uncomfortable, Graham was releasing her and it was over.  
  
They landed in the middle of what looked like a family lunch in the loft. All kinds of different food containers were scattered over the table. It was clearly left over day in the Charming household. It must’ve been this afternoon, when Regina was having lunch with Henry.  
  
Regina noticed David first, sitting at the table with one foot on the bar between the front legs of Neal’s high chair, preventing it from possibly toppling over. He had a natural father instinct that he never really got to explore and use with his daughter.  
  
And whose fault is that? Asked the voice in her head.  
  
She let her eyes drift away from his foot and up one of the legs where she found Neal who was happily squealing and slapping the tray in front of him as David was trying to feed him a little spoonful of some kind of green substance. The father was desperately trying to imitate every vehicle he could manage but Neal wasn’t opening his mouth for any of them. As a last resort, he imitated a horse’s gallop and that’s when Neal allowed the spoon to pass his lips.  
  
“Ha!” David exclaimed euphorically, his eyes twinking. “I should’ve known my little knight would go for the horse.”  
  
“He must take after his father,” Snow said, eyeing the two most important men in her life with a loving expression. She reached for her son sitting at the head of the table and brushed his cheek with her thumb.  
  
Regina’s eyes shot to the one other person in the room, who she hadn’t looked at yet. Emma was watching the exchange from the end of the table with an expression Regina found hard to read.  
  
At first, a smile formed on Emma’s face, lighting up her features but it fell as quickly as it came as she seemed to realize something. Her wide open smile turned into a distant one. It looked like she was seeing the couple and their son as if she was an outsider. She looked at her parents fawning over her brother like she would look at any random couple in Granny’s. And perhaps, to her, that’s what it felt like sometimes.  
  
What could one expect after having grown up without her family for 28 years. The blonde was witnessing what could have been. She was seeing what she should’ve had when she was little. She tried hard to cover it up, but Regina saw a glint of sadness in her eyes when she turned away and focused instead on inspecting the containers in front of her. After finding one she seemed to like, she began helping herself to a few scoops.  
  
“I can’t believe you have the night shift tonight, Emma,” Snow said while serving herself and David some spinach salad. “Tonight, of all nights.”  
  
“Someone’s gotta do it,” Emma responded airily.  
  
“Grumpy offered to take it from you,” David said around the food he had already shoveled in his mouth.  
  
“Yeah,” Emma mumbled as she stabbed at her spaghetti. Regina hadn’t seen her take a single bite yet. Something was definitely up, the blonde was known to always be hungry after all.  
  
“Astrid will be at the convent helping with the babysitting so he doesn’t have anything planned for tonight anyway,” David prodded. He was obviously still trying to get her to change her mind last minute and tag along for the evening.  
  
“I know,” Emma sighed. “I don’t mind working this shift.”  
  
“But Emma,” Snow tried. “Don’t you want to spend this special night with your family?”  
  
That was low, Regina thought. The raven haired woman probably didn’t realize she was making Emma sound like she would choose her work over her family, but the blonde did. Regina could clearly tell by one look in her direction. Emma tried to hide her flinching by looking down at her plate, but it was there. And Regina caught it.  
  
“You know that’s not it.” Emma’s voice was low as she pushed the food around on her plate.  
  
“Then what is it? why won’t you call Grumpy and let him take the shift?” Snow pushed.  
  
“This is a very deeply rooted tradition from our land. Don’t you want to share that with your family?” David added.  
  
“That’s exactly it,” Emma said, her voice rising. She had placed her fork down on the table and was looking her parents in the eyes now “Your land. Not mine. Not ours. Yours. I have no idea what this Midwinter Lights thing is all about. Everyone keeps telling me how great it is and I’ve heard more memories about previous festivities than all of my own holiday memories combined. I feel like there’s this big inside joke going around and I’m not in on it.”  
  
It was hard to tell which one of her parents looked the most surprised at this point. They were staring at her with wide eyes. Both Snow and David opened their mouths to say something but Emma just help up a hand to silence them. She pushed her chair back and stood.  
  
“I’ll be at the station.”  
  
And with that, the blonde was gone.  
  
A heavy silence filled the room. Even Neal had stopped giggling and was eyeing his parents with big confused eyes, wondering what had brought on the change in atmosphere.  
  
Once again, Regina was reminded that Emma wasn’t from their land and that she was to blame for that. It was easy to forget when they were all living in the same realm, going about their daily businesses. She had known that the blonde struggled with some issues of not fitting in. It was in Neverland, surrounded by other orphans, that Regina had seen it clearest. It was then that Emma had opened up about it for the first time.  
  
“I think we’ve seen enough,” Graham said.  
  
Regina felt a hand on her shoulder and they were off.  
  


* * *

  
  
It was dark in the next room they landed in. Not only was it dark outside, which meant it must be evening, but dark inside the room too. The light shining in from the streetlights outside cast long, looming shadows across the space.  
  
Regina allowed her eyes to adjust and then let them roam over the room to distinguish her whereabouts. She saw two cells built against the far wall of the room, a few desks in front of it. They were standing near the door of the Sheriff’s Department. It seemed empty at first but then Regina spotted Emma sitting on the small sofa by the window near the cells. The blinds that were usually down, were up now and Emma was staring through the window.  
  
With all the lights off, no one would be able to see her sitting there. No one would see the gloomy look on her face as she watched. No one would know the sheriff was there.  
  
Regina’s feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they carried her closer. She walked around the desks, eyes on Emma until she was right next to the sofa. It was strange to know the blonde had no idea she wasn’t alone in the room, nor that Regina was standing no more than three feet away from her now, watching her intently.  
  
The brunette let her gaze drift from the woman in front of her and out the window to see what was so interesting.  
  
Outside, she could see fireworks in the distance. There hadn’t been fireworks in the Enchanted Forest, but the people had taken the liberty of including it in the Midwinter Lights Festivities now that it was available. Regina would know, she had to sign off on the approval forms for the various shows.  
  
There were kids running around playing tag in the distance. They all had glow sticks around their arms and necks.  
  
Anything goes these days, Regina thought. But then again, it was better than giving these children torches or candles, like they would have gotten back in their own land, if they were going to be so active.  
  
Other town’s people passed, holding the traditional torches and varieties of food. Some were holding picnic blankets or chairs. The laughter and loud conversations could be heard even with all windows closed. Emma followed them with her eyes.  
  
There was a low vibrating sound coming from somewhere in the room. Emma blinked a few times and turned to look into the dim room in search of the source of the sound. She walked around, trying to locate the ringing phone and quickly remembered leaving it in her coat pocket. She made a beeline for her desk where the coat was hanging on the back of her chair.  
  
She checked the display, took a steadying breath and pressed the green icon to pick up.  
  
“Hey kid.”  
  
Regina watched as Emma scrunched up her face and held the phone away from her ear a little. Even from where the brunette was standing she could hear loud noises coming from the device. It sounded vaguely like music and someone, presumably Henry, yelling over it.  
  
“I know, kid,” Emma replied. “Are you having fun?”  
  
More incoherent yelling from Henry and flinching from Emma.  
  
“I said,” Emma repeated, a little louder this time. “Are you having fun?”  
  
Henry was obviously having trouble hearing her over the loud music.  
  
“Yes, good idea. Get away from the music,” Emma nodded. “I’ll wait.”  
  
The blonde ran a hand through her hair and sank down onto her desk chair as she waited for their son to find a quieter spot. She sounded a lot more cheerful over the phone than she looked in person. Her body language wasn’t matching her words in the slightest. She sounded happy, she looked miserable. Maybe a little lonely too, Regina concluded when remembering the way the Emma had been staring out the window a minute ago.  
  
The brunette hadn’t noticed until she was right at the other woman’s desk that she had even been moving. There was something about the way the blonde was behaving that somehow drew Regina closer. She had the strange urge to place a hand on her shoulder and offer some comfort. She even had her arm extended, reaching for her, without ever making the conscious decision to do so.  
  
“She won’t feel it,” Graham told her from the doorway. Unlike her, he hadn’t moved much.  
  
She withdrew her hand quickly like a little girl getting caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She looked over at him. He was casually leaning against the doorframe as if he didn’t have a care in the world. She’d seen him in similar positions often when he had still been alive and Sheriff. But something about his presence in the station was off now. He didn’t belong here anymore. The town had a new sheriff now.  
  
It hit Regina then that as much as she had tried to chase the birthmother of her son out of town in the past, at some point she had started to accept her presence and later even occasionally celebrate it. Seeing Graham and realized he didn’t fit into the space anymore, made her see how natural Emma’s presence in her life had become. Even if it was just business related, the occasional friendly conversation or “family” dinner. Emma was a part of her life.  
  
“Ma?” Regina was standing close enough now to hear the other end of the phone conversation too.  
  
“I’m here.”  
  
“I wish you weren’t though,” Henry said. “There, I mean. I wish you were here with us. Grandma and Grandpa do too!”  
  
Emma leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and let her head drop. Her hair fell forward and suddenly her face was obscured from view. Not that Regina really needed to see her face to feel the emotions. Just like during lunch, it was quite obvious that the blonde wasn’t sorry she had to work at all. In fact, Regina knew, Emma was in charge of making the work schedules. She must’ve told David she didn’t have a choice, but Regina knew there was always some flexibility when it came to planning shifts. Luckily Henry didn’t pause in his excitement.  
  
“Everyone is telling awesome stories and there’s bonfires and firework and marshmallows and singing and…” He took deep breathe. “It’s really awesome, Ma. You should’ve been here. The Enchanted Forest sounds like such an awesome place. I wanna go there some day. Anyway, I just wanted to call and tell you you’re totally missing out. You and mom both. I gotta go now. My bread is almost done roasting. See you tomorrow, bye!”  
  
“Have fun kid.”  
  
Even after the conversation ended, Emma didn’t move.  
  
“Why are you showing me this?” Regina wanted to know.  
  
“I’m supposed to show you the present,” Graham shrugged.  
  
“I get that, but I went through my own past. I’ll admit I don’t know why I went through that either, but at least it made sense that it would be my own. Why would you be showing me Emma’s present?”  
  
Graham chuckled lightly, as if he knew a lot more than he was letting on. He opened his mouth and Regina was sure he was going to let her in on a little secret, but then his facial expression changed and he clearly decided against offering an explanation.  
  
Instead she got another grin and a short “Why not?”. Damn ghosts and their evasive answers.  
  
“I’m just trying to figure out what the reason behind these time and space travels is. I have to say, if this is solely for recreational purposes, you are doing a marvelous job. I am truly overcome by the joy of all this.”  
  
“You’ll know the reason soon enough,” Graham assured her, walking over to the desk Regina stood next to. Another one of those vague statements she couldn’t work with. His hand curled around her elbow and Regina knew why before he said it. “Let’s go now.”


End file.
